As you may or may not know, I am multiracial. My mother is Puerto Rican and my father is what I like to call European mutt (mostly English). You might reasonably expect me to look like this:
This is actress Aubrey Plaza, who plays April Ludgate on one of my new favorite shows, Parks and Recreation. She is, like me, half Puerto-Rican, half white. To be fair, I will probably never, ever look like Aubrey Plaza (i.e. hot enough to be on a TV show), but according to Mendelian genetics, I probably shouldn't look like this, either:
I am who I am, and I've mostly accepted that by this point. But I'm taking African-American Political Thought this semester, and the relationship between race and politics has always been a fascinating one to me. Identity is a huge, huge theme in both fields.
I identify as multiracial primarily, then Puerto Rican, then white. Because of my looks, society views me primarily as white. I know my physical appearance has allowed me to benefit from white privilege. In a lot of ways, that's probably a good thing. I don't think I've ever been called a racist slur, and I certainly haven't been discriminated against (at least because of my race. My gender and my socio-economic status, maybe). Looking white in the United States gives me advantages, and I will be the first to admit it.
Sometimes, though, I wish people would believe me when I say I'm Puerto Rican. I realize that sounds blase, and perhaps a bit whiny. I'm not going to argue that appearing white is OMG so hard, because it's not. All my life, I will get benefits from looking white that I would not have if I looked more Hispanic. Our society is nowhere close to post-racial, and whites are still systematically and institutionally favored over racial minorities. It's wrong and it's bad for our country, but it's true.
However, there are times when I don't feel authentically Hispanic. I don't have dark hair or skin, my Spanish is good but not great, and I didn't grow up surrounded by extended family. I know I'm playing into stereotypes here - that's not right either. But I know I got into UVa partially because I clicked the box next to Hispanic, and walking into the PMP training session last week made me feel a little like a cheater. Yes, I am Puerto Rican. But can I be an authentic representative of my race? How can I claim to know what going to UVa as a Latina is like when I look so white? The truth is that I don't know the answer to either of those questions.
I know I can't change anything about my skin tone or my hair color. For whatever reason, I look white. I can take pride in my heritage without fitting the stereotypical portrait. I also realize that I am privileged in that I am even able to ask these questions and make these assertions. And yet ... and yet ...
Sometimes, I feel like there's something missing.
